I have spent a lot of time meditating. Guided meditations, breath meditations, visualised meditations. I’ve imagined pyramids with coloured steps, stared at candles until my vision blurred and spent hours in silent agony at Vipassana retreats. It was at Vipassana that I became familiar with the teaching of the Buddha. Not that I was expecting to. I was told that Vipassana was just a meditation technique, pure and simple. And it is. But at the ten day retreat where it is taught, every evening there is the Teacher’s Discourse which involves a lot of Buddhist theory.
During one of these discourses I heard a theory that I’d heard in various forms before – that the idea of self is a delusion, that there is no I, no me, no mine. The teacher explained that any attachment to the delusion of I, me, mine only leads to misery. In the past I have reacted badly to this theory. I want there to be an I. I want things to be mine. I like owning stuff. And I like there being a demarkation between you and me. I believe that’s called having boundaries. I spent most of my thirties being told that having healthy boundaries was a good thing.
So where does that leave me when it comes to relationships? Friendships? Am I supposed to have boundaries? Or am I supposed to merge with the eternal we, the group consciousness? Is it possible to be in a relationship if we are all one? The teacher has a wife so I guess it must be okay.
The important thing for me to remember is that if there is no mine then no one belongs to me. I don’t own anyone, no one owns me. We are all free. Thinking I have owned people, that somehow they belong to me, has only caused me misery and heartbreak. There is liberation in letting go of that illusion, there is bliss in relinquishing ownership. Nobody owns anybody else. Love is a choice, not a commandment.
In The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran wrote:
Let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
I like that. It says to me that even if we are one, we can still be separate. There is space between us to experience the joy of heaven. The best of both worlds.
This blog first appeared as a column in the February 2013 edition of Holistic Bliss